i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
