Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
