I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You are a genius and a whore.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
