Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
