Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
