Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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