if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
