When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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