when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
