I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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