Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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