"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
