The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
