genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
