If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
