I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
