what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
