the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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