Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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