Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
