I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
