I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
