i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
