anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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