Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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