Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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