you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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