shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
