ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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