i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
