And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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