Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh god it's open bar.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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