Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you had me at cake vodka
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
