I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
