Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
