New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
