On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I could make wine with my vomit
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
