my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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