2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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