Pappa wants mamma naked
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
