I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
