Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
