There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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