The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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