so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
