Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
