I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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