Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
