i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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