the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
