I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
