Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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