I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
